Trader Joe’s 'Unexpected Cheddar Spread' Is an Unexpected Delight

By Alex Beggs

Your faithful reviewer just had one of her best shopping trips of the year at Trader Joe’s. A parking spot out front. Aisles were clear. Tortillas were stocked. Hits of the great 1990s were blasting. Was it fate that brought her to the Root Beer Float Bars? Read on to find out.

Chicken KaraageI poured the bag directly into the basket of my air fryer and awaited salvation. Thirteen minutes later, I found it, plus a plate of crispy chicken bites of all lumps and sizes. While there were a suspicious number of all-dough bits, the pieces with chicken were juicy and slightly sweet from a hint of mirin, soy, and, ah, “natural flavors.” The salted egg yolk mayo sauce that goes with it is okay, but needed doctoring up with togarashi or whatever your spice of choice is.

KimbapMicrowaving these frozen Korean seaweed-wrapped rice rolls felt criminal, but I follow package instructions like a constitutionalist (strictly, with poetic interpretation when it serves me). I’m surprised at how tasty they were. The seaweed does get chewy in the microwave and the fillings are prone to falling out, but the shredded, marinated tofu is meaty and the pickled veg holds its end of the bargain. After nuking them, the company suggests eating them “hot or chilled.” Or you could pan-fry them in oil to get them crispy—even better.

Grilled Chicken StripsIt’s giving meal prep bro, but I get it, making food is hard*. These flabby strips of breast are juicy and taste like the chicken on a mid-tier restaurant’s Caesar salad. Which means it’s pretty damn good. And festive, decorated with tanning-bed grill marks. I won’t be buying these again, out of spite and budget, but I’m happy for all the protein loaders out there.

*Until you learn to do it with the help of your friends at Bon Appétit!

Pretzel SticksSlight sweet, long and stick-like, as promised. A must for dipping in the…

Unexpected Cheddar Spread With Hatch ChileThis is my platonic ideal of a bar cheese. Soft and creamy, with some cheddar bite and gentle green chile heat. I can put this stuff away. Great with the new Pretzel Sticks, but I have to note that Trader Joe’s cracker selection has been weak for over a year now. I bought expensive Firehook crackers to go with these, and I love them, but the world needs a dupe. Joe, get on that.

Root Beer Float BarsAs a bona fide root beer float connoisseur, earned by ordering them at every ice cream stand when everyone else gets a flurry, I can say that these are god-level. Accurate to their source material. Inspired and visionary. Imagine a Creamsicle, but the outer layer is sassafras-spicy root beer ice, which licks down to an almost chewy vanilla ice cream. Then imagine my face when I discover the next morning that my freezer door didn’t close properly and all of mine melted.

Celebration Cake GelatoIce cream’s big rebrand as gelato is really hitting this summer at Trader Joe’s. There is no FDA “standard of identity,” a.k.a. legal definition, for gelato, and Joe is running all the way to the bank on it. (In Italy, gelato must be made with at least 3.5% milk fat.) However, this is just don’t-call-it-Funfetti ice cream with happy bits of cake, and it tastes as perfectly artificial as it should. I love it.

Fromage Pavé Red Chili PepperThis cow’s milk cheese is double-creamy with a Brie-like tang, and then the red pepper takes over everything. It does the work of pepper jelly, but I still think you need some sweetness to pair with it. Maybe a Granny Smith apple slice or a stray grape found in the back of the fridge. Or was that a grape?

Dried Ataulfo Mango SlicesThis Mexican varietal of mango is sweeter than others, but still a little tangy in this unsweetened dried form. Because they’re chewy and sticky, I’ll alternate bites of these in between jerky on my next road trip until I’m as dehydrated and wrinkly as they are.

Freeze Dried Fig SlicesThese astronaut figs have a tendency to get stuck in your teeth—sadly no visible wasps—but they could be lovely to decorate a cake, or adorn a bowl of oatmeal.

Hold the Dairy Salted Caramel ConesThese are about the length of my middle finger, which is how I feel about them. Small to the point of rudeness, like a tiny plate my aunt once gave my sister that said “portion control.” What are you trying to tell me, cone? Hold the dairy, hold the appetite, hold my calls. I was going to say the salted caramel ice cream was drab, but I only got one bite.

Tiniest Chocolate Chip CookiesAgain, what’s with the smalls? These are Cookie Crisp in spirit, little nubbins of dry cookies that crunch into dust in the cavern I call my mouth. The package suggests sprinkling them on cupcakes, or in a bowl with milk, but I’ll probably finish them before I hit my deadline.

Vegan Italian Bolognese RavioliUh-oh, this is unfortunate. Inside each raviolo is a pasty patty of tomato products, though, apparently, there are lentils, mushrooms, and breadcrumbs in there too. If you like tomatoes, and are vegan, and this is the only ravioli left in the case, you might enjoy it. Does this in any way resemble a finely chopped, long-simmered Bolognese sauce? Not in the slightest. But let’s not take it to court.

Sri Lankan Mango ChutneyThis chutney has a solid, gelatinous texture, and a recipe that’s heavy on the chili powder. But I have yet to pair it with anything from one of my favorite cookbooks of last year, Rambutan, so I’ll hold out hope.

Organic Assam TeaOn its own, this black tea has a slight mustiness, but if you’re going to add milk and honey, who cares? It’s a strong and decent daily drinker.

Organic Nilgiri Black TeaI drank this black, and it’s definitely got a better, fresher flavor than the Assam. And the second steep was still potent, which is why I’m shaking a little as I write this. But there are only 20 bags in the rustic cardboard box versus the assam’s 48, so if you chug a lot of black tea, you might as well try both, for research.

Organic Romaine and Chicory BlendI think this is a smart salad mix because chicories are pretty, but their bitterness really scares people away. Romaine’s popular girl status helps boost the chicory, like when I was in marching band in high school and knew one cheerleader (hi, Elizabeth!), which really lifted my status in the dork universe. And yet.

Little Gem LettuceWho has better branding than Little Gem Lettuce? Every leaf a jewel! I found my wee gems frilly and soft, yet sturdy enough for a gloopy Caesar dressing I whipped up.

Pomodoro Cremoso Salad KitBill, my companion and personal driver, said that the tomato basil dressing in this salad kit tasted like “Boboli sauce,” a reference to a make-your-own frozen kit I’ve never had (we were a Red Baron house). Maybe that resonates with you, or maybe all you need to know is that it’s not the flavor you want in a salad dressing. But the focaccia croutons are a cute invention, straight from my Barbie Dream House kitchen.